Countdown.

It's bitter cold ! and am freezing now !!
Bandung is back to its nature.
COLD !! -____-

hmhh.. it's June 24, isn't it?
It means that I have only 6 days left before I leave Bandung. huaaahhh :(
30days living with strangers must be hard at first (Move from my house where I live with my family to another house with new families in tiny village)

oh oh oh !!
di satu sisi saya merasa excited pergi KKN, tp di sisi lain saya merasa belum siap, atau lebih tepatnya tidak siap !
entahlaahh..
Bukan maksud untuk bersikap berlebih dalam hal ini, tapi yah.. itulah yang saya rasakan.
Tidak siap mengingat bahwa saya akan jauh dari keluarga, termasuk kamu.
Sebenarnya, kamu yang lebih berpengaruh.
hha. entahlah !
saya takut.
saya takut.
hahaa.. saya sendiri sebenarnya sering berpikir
'kenapa mesti takut?' 'apa yg harus saya takutkan!'
Tapii.. bukankah itu alamiah??
takut. khawatir. ragu.
Itu semua perasaaan yang alamiah.
Yah, sebagai manusia yang utuh, saya merasakan semua itu.

Kata orang sih husnudzon itu baik, tp entah kenapa kadang saya benci itu.
Harus selalu beranggapan baik terhadap orang.
Saya benci melakukan hal itu.
entah ! entahlah..
kadang saya merasa bodoh setelahnya.
Ketika saya tau kalau anggapan baik yang saya punya ternyata berbanding terbalik dengan faktanya.
Disitulah saat saya akan merasa sangat terbodohi.

Tapi untuk kali ini. Nampaknya.. saya akan berusaha untuk menyukai sedikit sikap itu.
Yap. HUSNUDZON !
Saya akan berusaha untuk tetap berhusnudzon.
Saya akan buang jauh-jauh pikiran yg tidak ada relevansinya dengan husnudzon.
Yap. SEMENTARA. saya akan menyukai hal ini.
Untuk 30 hari kedepan.
Setidaknya, itu yang terpikir oleh saya.

30 hari kedepan saya akan menjaga otak saya.
Mengaturnya sedemikian rupa untuk mengelabui hati saya.
Menjauhkan saya dari rasa cemas, khawatir dan takut.
Dengan Husnudzon, mungkin semua itu akan sedikit samar atau bahkan hilang.

Untuk 30 hari kedepan.
Saya berharap kamu akan menunggu.
Menunggu saya dengan sikap yang biasa kamu lakukan.
Menunggu saya tetap dengan perasaan yang kamu punya.
Menunggu saya seperti biasanya.
Tanpa memikirkan hal-hal diluar batas kemampuan saya.
Saya harap kamu akan menunggu saya dengan setia.
Apapun itu istilahnya.
Setia dalam persepsi saya ataupun yang kamu punya.
saya harap kamu bisa menunggu saya. dengan sedikit sabar.
menunggu.

My Heart againsts My Mind

Ketika saya membuat batasan pada perasaan saya, semakin perasaan itu tak bisa dibatasi.
Ia akan tetap tumbuh semakin lama semakin membuncah.
entahlah !
sudah berulang kali saya katakan, 'Jangan biarkan rasa itu mencapai angka 100%'
Ketika otak saya sudah menset kata-kata itu, hati dan perasaan saya tidak bisa bersinkronisasi dengan baik. Dia egois. Dia mengabaikan otak yg berusaha untuk menepatinya.

Hati dan perasaan saya berkhianat !
Hati dan perasaan saya berkhianat pada otak saya !
Mereka tidak bisa menepati janji, untuk TIDAK MEMBIARKAN rasa itu mencapai angka tersebut.

Rasa takut, trauma, atau apapun itulah istilahnya, sedikit banyak telah mempengaruhi logika yang berusaha saya pertahankan.
Tapi semua itu tidak berlaku untuk hati dan perasaan saya.
Mereka malah bersikap acuh tak acuh. Tak perduli. Takut Trauma ! Tak berlaku.
Mereka tetap berusaha berkejaran mencapai angka itu.

Semakin saya berpikir, semakin saya merasakannya.
Yah.. mereka hampir mencapai angka itu.
Otak saya kalut, dia khawatir.

Entahlaah..

things changed.

I DON'T KNOW !

I HATE CHANGES !


just wanna turn back time !


Time always changes everything !
and I do HATE it !

Real Mask or Real ME?

Now I understand Orwell's statement in his essay "Shooting an Elephant" that people wear mask and it can grow to fit with their face. Yes, people are wearing masks in different kinds of occasion, because they need to fulfill the expectation of the social life they are living. And over time, our real "face" is no longer seen or appeared because the "mask" has grown to fit with it. I am wearing a mask, and I make people have a cognition that the mask is me, not the face, the real ME. Only very few people, the people I trust, can see my real face, even though it might be just not the whole part of it. Perhaps my full face only appears when I am alone, in my room, or in the bathroom. Well, who knows..

However, I would never say people need to be "real". Being real or fake, wearing mask or not, has never been wrong at all. It is the privilege or each one to do so in order to get what they want in social life. But there is one important thing to keep in our mind: in interacting with others, treat people good, no matter which mode they are using, no matter in what mode we treat them. If we treat people well, we'll think and feel good, and it simply makes us happy :)

One question comes out. Do you see a real ME?
Hope you would see it then.

I'm sooo... into WRITING.

hhmmm.. I posted more often recently, didn't I ? n_n
hhaaa.. I don't know.. I just feel free when I'm writing, talking about everything without bothering anyone. I don't feel afraid of making mistake. I can just delete it, and it won't leave any trace.
While speaking, it is so hard to avoid making mistake. I can never pull it back, and pretend that everything's fine, nothing's wrong. It cannot be so simple!
The words coming out from your mouth can be so sharp than the sword. Once I make mistake, it won't be faded away. Therefore, I sometimes keep many words in my mind, then pull those out in my post.
In some conditions, I can't just SPEAK. I can't open my mouth then say some words in such structure. The words just vanished by sudden, and I have nothing left in mind. I have no idea what d'hell is wrong with me. It always happens!

THIS FEAR (afraid of making mistake) and actually I really am afraid of making mistake. It frightens me much.

I got so much comfort in writing.
The words. I can just spit it out in my post.
no more fear.

I DON'T FEEL AFRAID OF MAKING MISTAKE !
yeah, That's the main reason.
I like WRITING better than SPEAKING.

Give IT up?

Thinking that it is soooooooooo hard to get money, I'm giving up anyway. It needs more time to get it accomplished. And the deadline is June 27th ! While my invitation letter hasn't been come yet. How can i get my VISA without it?? Oh STUPIDE ! they're stupid. I guess they don't know where Indonesia exactly is. They sent it by postal in handwriting. Why on earth the didn't sent it by email ! it'd be easier then. What AGE do they live in?? *errkkh. They must use their brain if they have any. It makes everything difficult.
It's only 16days left. And I haven't get everything done !

OH. SHOULD I GIVE UP THIS TIME?

Let my dream go with the wind ! just let it goooooooo over??
ohhh.. hoping other chances would come by then.

OK. let me think twice.
Should I give this up?

-----------------

You looked different recently. I mean it's not literally different, but you seemed too much thinking. I myself do not know what you have in mind. I don't know what bothers you much. I sometimes feel like a fool when I can't find a clue. You always told me that everything's fine. Nothing's wrong with you. Then again, I feel like a fool. I know that you're not. Something bothers you. But still, I don't know what is. Your eyes tell me something. Still, I can't find what is.
(It is not a judgment, I just feel it)

I love you just the way you are. You don't have to be someone else, You don't have to be perfect. I just LOVE you as you do.
Don't ever question me If I do love you. It makes me hurt.
It feels like you have no trust in me, you only have doubt.
Whereas, I do love you. I do care about you.
Just trust me, and I do too.

Sometimes You cannot see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others
- Ellen Degeneres-

Two-day Excursion around SLOVENIA!

here is my Schedule in Slovenia.

oohhh... i just wanna get there SOON!

let me show you how Slovenia looks like..

1^st DAY:

After breakfast we are heading towards Ljubljana.

· The capital of the Republic of Slovenia, a European Union member state since 2004

· Area: 273 km2

· Population: 276,000

· Average temperature in January: - 0.3 °C

· Average temperature in June: 20.7 °C

Ljubljana, the capital of Slovenia, is a central European city lying between the Alps and the Adriatic Sea, in a basin where the Ljubljanica river flows into the Sava. It has all the facilities of a modern capital, and yet it has preserved its small-town friendliness and relaxed atmosphere. It is a vibrant city full of surprises. Its surrounding areas, packed with natural beauty and cultural sights bearing witness to the city's dynamic history, are renowned for their walking, hiking and cycle trails and a wide variety of culinary delight.

After the sightseeing around the capital city we are heading towards mountains. We will stop in Bled, where we will row to the small island in the middle of Lake Bled.

We will continue our way towards Kranjska Gora, which many call ski paradise. All around the world it is well known after ski jumps and Vitranc cup. We will see Planica – ski jump, where first two jumps over 100 and 200m happened.

2^nd DAY:

Second day will be mostly dedicated to nurturing of our bodies and collecting new energies after sleepless night ;)

In the morning we will go to Postojna, a beautiful Slovenian city, known mostly after its karstic caves. Especially on this day much will be going on there. We will attend the Furman festival (transport festival), with which the inhabitants of Postojna wish to save and represent cottage industry connected with furmanstvo (transport celebration), encourage the countryside to a collective appearance and promotion of their activity, to increase opportunities of promotion and sale of agricultural products, other products and services of Slovenian countryside, educate younger generations about rural areas, living in history and about dying out activities.

After lunch we will go to Slovenian coast, 43.157m long (~ 43 km), but despite its small size, extremely diverse, culturally rich and tourist frequented part of Slovenia. We will take time for swimming, bathing, sunbathing and walking around the city. In this time of the year we are at the peak of the tourist season, therefore you can find a lot of stalls and small shops along the coast and in the city center and take advantage of the day for shopping.

Oh JUST WANNA BE THERE SOON !

Money, Let's be friends !

hmm.. still confused about this thing. The thing that makes me frustated along this 2weeks.
The thing that makes my time spent much. The thing that makes my mind full of DREAMS ! Dream of going abroad. Yeah, I've waited for this chance since long time ago. I always dream about this. And now, when it comes ! I'm just confused. Keep asking myself what am suppose to do? what first step should I take? thinking that it'd be so HARD for me to pay the ticket. Then again, IT becomes my biggest obstacle in achieving my dream. Oh, It is not always that simple. Can't it just be so easy ? Money.. money.. oh money !
I have to own YOU just to make my Dream come true ! Money, I have only 20 days left to have you in my pocket! Money, I have only 20 days left to chase you ! Just come closer, don't be afraid ! I terribly NEED YOU ! there's no enough time for us to bargain. Just COME ! FAST! there's no more time for you to play with me. I say, COME!

It's just so PERFECT !

well well well.
OH AM SO IMPRESSED BY HER !
last night i just read my senior's blog, and it's so perfect !
Her english, the way she write her blog, it's just so perfect !
I can't take my eyes away from reading. oh, I just can't stop.
The way she makes me sinking in her story. Oh, I just wanna be like her.
I have to use English in my post more often. And I think I am going to start using it from now on. It doesn't matter about the loussy Grammar, or limited vocabs. I just wanna write in ENGLISH, as one of students in English Department. Shame on me ! If I couldn't use it very well then.
Ohhhh.. SHE IS SO SMART !
everything she tells in her post really inspiring me. She just talks about her daily life, every little things around her. But It's just so Unthinkable when I read it.
I don't even realized that the unimportant things can be quite IMPORTANT when we see it in another perspective.
and she DID that ! she always does. impressive !
Talking bout me and her, we've known each other since the last seminar at The Australian Embassy we attended. Um wait, I guess not ! I've known her since the last time I beat her in Scrabble Competition at my campus. Yeah, She was beaten by ME ! hahaa. I was the third winner at that time, and she got nothing ! oh, finally I found something to be proud of.
I can say that I'm a huge fan of her.
I don't know ! She's just perfect.
She got everything I always dream about. She got talent, extraordinary thoughts, self-confidence, fluent-english-spoken, great knowledge, Oh I can't say it one by one! I always envy her about what she got. Her life is so perfect.
She graduated with Cumlaude title in her degree, and now She works as public servant in The Ministry of Foreign Affair which I always dream about.
SHE tends to get what I want. She tends to get what I dream about.
Seeing her success, it encourages me much ! I can see her process in getting her success.
We can't just take it for granted. It needs time, it needs process. Just love the way you striving for. It will lead you to the Final Point ! time, effort, chance and lucky. They meet at the same time. It will lead you to the word, SUCCESS.
and yeah. She inspires me much !
Thanks to her.

The Blanket of Doubt

What is the opposite word of BELIEVE ?
UNBELIEVE?
Nope !
IT's DOUBT !

hm.. Is there someone you trust?
Do you believe HIM/HER?

But first, DO YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF? HAVE YOU EVER TRUSTED YOURSELF as well as the OTHERS ?

The question comes out, I have nothing in my mind.
Just silence.
I have no answer for this one.
I myself do not know whether I got believe in me.

Saat kamu percaya seseorang, dan ketika kepercayaan itu diragukan.
Apa yang kamu rasakan?
Ragukah?
Yah, RAGU!

Saya sebenarnya benci kata ini. RAGU!
Saat RAGU itu datang.
Saya tidak tau lagi apakah 'PERCAYA' yang saya punya itu masih memiliki arti?
Saat ragu dan percaya kita sandingkan.
Hilang kepercayaan yang saya punya akan diri saya.
Not vanished (literally), but it was hidden by something.
Tak nampak !
Selimut. Selimut ragu ini yang telah membuatnya tak nampak.
Rasa RAGU itu seketika datang. Dengan sangat mudah!
Tapi untuk menyingkapkan selimut itu, akan sedikit lebih sulit.
Saya butuh waktu sedikit lebih lama untuk menyingkapnya perlahan-lahan.
It's like, I have to put aside my blanket when I'm freezing.
saya harus menyingkapnya perlahan-lahan, sampai 'kedinginan' yang saya rasakan itu sudah tidak menjadi suatu masalah.

Therefore, I really hate to have this feeling.
oh doubt ! just go away !

SHOW 'em that I'm GREAT !

June 27th 2010 is coming !
SLOVENIA !
really have to work hard to pay my ticket !
OH GOD ! HELP me with your wondrous way!

let 'em know that I'm GREAT !
I can make my DREAM.
I can make my LIFE.

I JUST WANNA SHOW 'em that AM GREAT !
GOD ! hear me out.

The RIGHT is mine ! not yours.

Saat kita bicara soal 'KEHIDUPAN'
semua berkaitan dengan waktu. benar kan?

Tapi bisa tidak sekali saja kita tidak usah kaitkan 'waktu' dengan 'kehidupan'
aturan dibuat berdasarkan 'waktu'
kedewasaan diukur berdasarkan 'waktu'
hubungan diukur berdasarkan 'waktu'

semuaaa berkaitan dengan waktu !
bisa tidak sejenak kita singkirkan 'WAKTU' itu.

kadang saya tidak mengerti dari mana datangnya aturan itu.
bahwa WAKTU mempunyai andil yang cukup besar.

Ketika saya berbicara mengenai 'HIDUP'
saya berbicara mengenai waktu yang telah saya lewati.
saya hidup selama 21 tahun = saya telah melewati waktu 21 tahun dalam kehidupan.

HIDUP saya adalah WAKTU saya
HIDUP saya adalah MILIK saya
dan kalian tidak ada sangkut pautnya dengan ini semua.

ketika saya berbicara mengenai hidup saya, bukan berarti saya meminta kalian untuk turut campur dalam kehidupan saya.
hidup saya. waktu saya. semua milik saya !

ketika saya meminta pendapat mengenai hidup saya, bukan berarti saya akan menuruti semua nasehat kalian.
hidup saya. waktu saya. saya yang menentukan !

saya dan hidup saya.
saya dan waktu saya.
saya yang menjalaninya. saya pula yang menentukan caranya.
lagi-lagi bukan kalian !

Yah, kalian adalah bagian dari 'hidup : waktu' saya .
Tapi ketika berbicara soal hidup, saya adalah individu bebas !
SAYA lah yang mempunyai andil yang sangat besar atas KEHIDUPAN saya.
bukan KALIAN !

Kadang saya benci ketika kalian berbicara soal 'waktu'
lagi-lagi waktu yang menentukan segalanya.
yang saya tidak mengerti. Dari mana datangnya aturan itu semua?
ATURAN dan PERSEPSI yang kalian koar-koarkan.
Aturan mengenai A . B . C . D
PERSEPSI F . G . H . I

dari mana datangnya itu semua??

Kadang saya benci dengan pemikiran kalian yang KONVENSIONAL !
Pemikiran yang masih terpengaruh oleh anggapan orang.
A> B > C> D> akan orang orang masih kalian jadikan PATOKAN !
semua itu sangat MENGGANGGU !
saya benci itu semua !


kenapa semua ini baru terpikirkan oleh saya
bahwa HIDUP saya adalah MILIK saya.


saya merasa sangat terganggu ketika KALIAN berbicara seolah-olah saya tidak mempunyai HAK atas hidup saya.
saya merasa sangat terganggu ketika KALIAN berusaha menyamakan PERSEPSI yang klian punya dengan PERSEPSI yang saya punya.
SEMUA itu membuat saya semakin berpikir.
bahwa, YAH ! ini adalah HIDUP saya.

We grow up, man !!
just give us trust. Then we live in such a way. In OUR way !
NOT YOURS !