watch your words

you know that sometimes you dont have to explain everything to everyone becauseeee... 

• some people would never really care of what happen to you
• some people just want to know; and that's it
• you would only get negative vibes of their comment 
• or you would just get hurt

Sometimes, or most of the time, people utter their own thought without knowing that it would bother others feeling or hurt feeling even worst. 

Sometimes, or most of the time, people preach like they really know the real condition or the real feeling of having such condition.

Sometimes, or most of the time, people ask abruptly and disregard the impact of such question; such as what if.. 

You never know that your "what if" would just let me down. 

You have to know that I dont need calming words, because it's too common. 

What I really need the most is warm hugs. 

You dont have to say anything, just let me get the calmy feeling.

Just let me convinced myself, 

that everything would be just fine.

You dont need to ask me if I am afraid or not. 

If so, I'd rather say yes. 

Because I really am.

Does it bother you?

once my mom asked me whether my condition bothers me or not.

I said no to her because it really does not. 

I'm fine.

Yes, I guess I am.

I dont know why she suddenly asked me such question. or She might think I have lost some weight because of it. 

I am 46 kilos today. 

and I feel OK with that. 

nothing bothers me until someone bothered me with such question.

Q popped in my head? 

Am I really OK?

or it's just me pretending to be OK.

or believing that I am OK would have just made OK?

or 

what?

I dont know.

I just dont want to get bothered by something that I dont believe in.

so??

decide a decision

Saturdate with the doctor, again.

It was quite different this time because I got my friend accompanied me because my husband had to do stock-opname in his office. 

I arrived at the hospital around 9, and my booking number was 36. 

I asked the nurse to check how many number was called in, and it was only 5 numbers. So I decided to look for some food nearby because it'd took hours for my turn. 

just buying some time..

tik.. tok..tik..tok.. 

5 hours waiting, finally my name was called out. I was directed to go in and sit. 

As always, the doctor smiled and asked my condition.

He got confused at first and tried to reckon our last appointment's memories. 

he took a look on his last notes, and asked me why he didnt make any notes for dr. Bambang's result. I didnt know what I was supposed to answer for being asked like that. I said nothing, just smirked. 

Then, he chose to rewrite dr. Bambang's result on the book while murmuring something I didnt understand. 

To break that awkward moment, I passed him my medical test result. He accepted it and examined the results one by one. While taking some notes, he explained that I'm in proper condition to get the surgery and checked his agenda to find the suitable date for it. He let me see the date on calendar as he pointed out for me to consider. I couldnt negotiate but just agree with it. 

Soon after, he made a book for the surgery. He briefed me the detail.

The surgery will be held on 11th, at 04.30 am, assisted by dr. Cepi. 

He asked me to prepare one day before the surgery which meant to me that I had to make a room booked. 

I asked him if I need another preparation for the surgery. He once more convinced me that everything would be alright and I should just be ready for it.

Eat well. 

Drink vitamins.

Stay healthy. 

well, well. 

I have made a big desicion in my life. 

the word I'd never expected not even close in my imagination.

yes, 

the Laparascopy. 

I have convinced myself that everything would be alrite though it freaked me out for sure. 

I know,  it's for goodness sake. 

I have to be sure for it. 

Bismilllaaaaah.. 

Laa hawla wa laa quwwata illa billah..

Unexpected Recommendation!

Hi. its me again!

continuing my last appointment with the legendary doctor.

here we go again. 

Nov 2nd,

I met dr. Bambang as he is pointed out by Prof. Wahyu to give second opinion about my PCO and Cyst.

As I arrived at Klinik Moegni, the receiptionist said that the doctor would come at 4 pm. So i decided to wait for him, but not that I expected that he just showed up 2,5 hours later. Fineeeee.

Finally my name was called, so I was directed to come into the doctor's room. He commonly asked how many years our marriage is. It's been 4 years, and still counting~ i said. Afterthat, he ordered me to lay in bed and started the transvaginal usg-analyzing. He firstly check my left-ovarium which was indicated of PCO, and he said that there was no sign of PCO. It's clean he said. And turn to my Right one, then he saw cyst, 1.8 cm-sized as he explained. He told us that it's nothing to worry about yet he added to try the program if we want to get expecting soon. 

IVF, he mentioned.

In the next two days, Nov 4th.

As the appointment scheduled on , I saw Prof. Wahyu to give him dr. Bambang's result and le husband's medical test result. 

As usual, he started the session with smile and asking our condition dat time. 

We were good, in spite of our bad-mood of too-long-waiting.

I gave him all the result and he started checking le husband's result, and slowly gave us some explanation of each test (which are Blood test, Urine test, and Sperm Test). The result shows that my husband only needs to take some medicine and vitamin to let the sperm go faster. run.. faster run!....

Again, he thought that it's nothing to worry about. 

Now, there was my turn.

He checked dr. Bambang's notes of usg result saying that there's no indication of PCO in my right-sided ovary (alhamdulillaaah), still there's 1.8 cm-long indicated as endometriosis cyst. 

aaaandd, he recommended me to get surgery (called laparascopy) as soon as I'm ready to get expecting.

He let us think about it first because he thought that it's not a life-saving. It would only help me to get expecting real soon.

So, it depends on my decision. 

I would,
never,
expected those words! 

laparascopy?? 

whaaat??

oh . my. god.