Countdown.

It's bitter cold ! and am freezing now !!
Bandung is back to its nature.
COLD !! -____-

hmhh.. it's June 24, isn't it?
It means that I have only 6 days left before I leave Bandung. huaaahhh :(
30days living with strangers must be hard at first (Move from my house where I live with my family to another house with new families in tiny village)

oh oh oh !!
di satu sisi saya merasa excited pergi KKN, tp di sisi lain saya merasa belum siap, atau lebih tepatnya tidak siap !
entahlaahh..
Bukan maksud untuk bersikap berlebih dalam hal ini, tapi yah.. itulah yang saya rasakan.
Tidak siap mengingat bahwa saya akan jauh dari keluarga, termasuk kamu.
Sebenarnya, kamu yang lebih berpengaruh.
hha. entahlah !
saya takut.
saya takut.
hahaa.. saya sendiri sebenarnya sering berpikir
'kenapa mesti takut?' 'apa yg harus saya takutkan!'
Tapii.. bukankah itu alamiah??
takut. khawatir. ragu.
Itu semua perasaaan yang alamiah.
Yah, sebagai manusia yang utuh, saya merasakan semua itu.

Kata orang sih husnudzon itu baik, tp entah kenapa kadang saya benci itu.
Harus selalu beranggapan baik terhadap orang.
Saya benci melakukan hal itu.
entah ! entahlah..
kadang saya merasa bodoh setelahnya.
Ketika saya tau kalau anggapan baik yang saya punya ternyata berbanding terbalik dengan faktanya.
Disitulah saat saya akan merasa sangat terbodohi.

Tapi untuk kali ini. Nampaknya.. saya akan berusaha untuk menyukai sedikit sikap itu.
Yap. HUSNUDZON !
Saya akan berusaha untuk tetap berhusnudzon.
Saya akan buang jauh-jauh pikiran yg tidak ada relevansinya dengan husnudzon.
Yap. SEMENTARA. saya akan menyukai hal ini.
Untuk 30 hari kedepan.
Setidaknya, itu yang terpikir oleh saya.

30 hari kedepan saya akan menjaga otak saya.
Mengaturnya sedemikian rupa untuk mengelabui hati saya.
Menjauhkan saya dari rasa cemas, khawatir dan takut.
Dengan Husnudzon, mungkin semua itu akan sedikit samar atau bahkan hilang.

Untuk 30 hari kedepan.
Saya berharap kamu akan menunggu.
Menunggu saya dengan sikap yang biasa kamu lakukan.
Menunggu saya tetap dengan perasaan yang kamu punya.
Menunggu saya seperti biasanya.
Tanpa memikirkan hal-hal diluar batas kemampuan saya.
Saya harap kamu akan menunggu saya dengan setia.
Apapun itu istilahnya.
Setia dalam persepsi saya ataupun yang kamu punya.
saya harap kamu bisa menunggu saya. dengan sedikit sabar.
menunggu.

My Heart againsts My Mind

Ketika saya membuat batasan pada perasaan saya, semakin perasaan itu tak bisa dibatasi.
Ia akan tetap tumbuh semakin lama semakin membuncah.
entahlah !
sudah berulang kali saya katakan, 'Jangan biarkan rasa itu mencapai angka 100%'
Ketika otak saya sudah menset kata-kata itu, hati dan perasaan saya tidak bisa bersinkronisasi dengan baik. Dia egois. Dia mengabaikan otak yg berusaha untuk menepatinya.

Hati dan perasaan saya berkhianat !
Hati dan perasaan saya berkhianat pada otak saya !
Mereka tidak bisa menepati janji, untuk TIDAK MEMBIARKAN rasa itu mencapai angka tersebut.

Rasa takut, trauma, atau apapun itulah istilahnya, sedikit banyak telah mempengaruhi logika yang berusaha saya pertahankan.
Tapi semua itu tidak berlaku untuk hati dan perasaan saya.
Mereka malah bersikap acuh tak acuh. Tak perduli. Takut Trauma ! Tak berlaku.
Mereka tetap berusaha berkejaran mencapai angka itu.

Semakin saya berpikir, semakin saya merasakannya.
Yah.. mereka hampir mencapai angka itu.
Otak saya kalut, dia khawatir.

Entahlaah..

things changed.

I DON'T KNOW !

I HATE CHANGES !


just wanna turn back time !


Time always changes everything !
and I do HATE it !

Real Mask or Real ME?

Now I understand Orwell's statement in his essay "Shooting an Elephant" that people wear mask and it can grow to fit with their face. Yes, people are wearing masks in different kinds of occasion, because they need to fulfill the expectation of the social life they are living. And over time, our real "face" is no longer seen or appeared because the "mask" has grown to fit with it. I am wearing a mask, and I make people have a cognition that the mask is me, not the face, the real ME. Only very few people, the people I trust, can see my real face, even though it might be just not the whole part of it. Perhaps my full face only appears when I am alone, in my room, or in the bathroom. Well, who knows..

However, I would never say people need to be "real". Being real or fake, wearing mask or not, has never been wrong at all. It is the privilege or each one to do so in order to get what they want in social life. But there is one important thing to keep in our mind: in interacting with others, treat people good, no matter which mode they are using, no matter in what mode we treat them. If we treat people well, we'll think and feel good, and it simply makes us happy :)

One question comes out. Do you see a real ME?
Hope you would see it then.

I'm sooo... into WRITING.

hhmmm.. I posted more often recently, didn't I ? n_n
hhaaa.. I don't know.. I just feel free when I'm writing, talking about everything without bothering anyone. I don't feel afraid of making mistake. I can just delete it, and it won't leave any trace.
While speaking, it is so hard to avoid making mistake. I can never pull it back, and pretend that everything's fine, nothing's wrong. It cannot be so simple!
The words coming out from your mouth can be so sharp than the sword. Once I make mistake, it won't be faded away. Therefore, I sometimes keep many words in my mind, then pull those out in my post.
In some conditions, I can't just SPEAK. I can't open my mouth then say some words in such structure. The words just vanished by sudden, and I have nothing left in mind. I have no idea what d'hell is wrong with me. It always happens!

THIS FEAR (afraid of making mistake) and actually I really am afraid of making mistake. It frightens me much.

I got so much comfort in writing.
The words. I can just spit it out in my post.
no more fear.

I DON'T FEEL AFRAID OF MAKING MISTAKE !
yeah, That's the main reason.
I like WRITING better than SPEAKING.

Give IT up?

Thinking that it is soooooooooo hard to get money, I'm giving up anyway. It needs more time to get it accomplished. And the deadline is June 27th ! While my invitation letter hasn't been come yet. How can i get my VISA without it?? Oh STUPIDE ! they're stupid. I guess they don't know where Indonesia exactly is. They sent it by postal in handwriting. Why on earth the didn't sent it by email ! it'd be easier then. What AGE do they live in?? *errkkh. They must use their brain if they have any. It makes everything difficult.
It's only 16days left. And I haven't get everything done !

OH. SHOULD I GIVE UP THIS TIME?

Let my dream go with the wind ! just let it goooooooo over??
ohhh.. hoping other chances would come by then.

OK. let me think twice.
Should I give this up?