A Fragile Heart..

Tadi malam, tangisku pecah..
Iya, saat berada di pangkuan suamiku, tangisku pecah tak tertahankan.
Begitu sesegukan, mungkin karena aku sudah tidak tahan untuk menahannya sendiri.
Dia memelukku erat sambil sesekali mengusap kepalaku dengan lembut.
Dia terdiam, iya.. tidak ada kata-kata yang keluar dari mulutnya.
Ku dengar nafasnya yang tenang, yang pada akhirnya menenangkan aku.
Ku selesaikan tangisanku, dan ku peluk lagi dirinya dengan erat.
Dalam hatiku aku kecewa, aku marah, tapi entah pada siapa?
Itu yang membuatku kesal.

watch your words

you know that sometimes you dont have to explain everything to everyone becauseeee... 

• some people would never really care of what happen to you
• some people just want to know; and that's it
• you would only get negative vibes of their comment 
• or you would just get hurt

Sometimes, or most of the time, people utter their own thought without knowing that it would bother others feeling or hurt feeling even worst. 

Sometimes, or most of the time, people preach like they really know the real condition or the real feeling of having such condition.

Sometimes, or most of the time, people ask abruptly and disregard the impact of such question; such as what if.. 

You never know that your "what if" would just let me down. 

You have to know that I dont need calming words, because it's too common. 

What I really need the most is warm hugs. 

You dont have to say anything, just let me get the calmy feeling.

Just let me convinced myself, 

that everything would be just fine.

You dont need to ask me if I am afraid or not. 

If so, I'd rather say yes. 

Because I really am.

Does it bother you?

once my mom asked me whether my condition bothers me or not.

I said no to her because it really does not. 

I'm fine.

Yes, I guess I am.

I dont know why she suddenly asked me such question. or She might think I have lost some weight because of it. 

I am 46 kilos today. 

and I feel OK with that. 

nothing bothers me until someone bothered me with such question.

Q popped in my head? 

Am I really OK?

or it's just me pretending to be OK.

or believing that I am OK would have just made OK?

or 

what?

I dont know.

I just dont want to get bothered by something that I dont believe in.

so??

cerita sahabat

pernah ga sih kalian ada di posisi dimana lo gatau harus berekspresi kaya gimana saat lo denger cerita sahabat lo?

simpelnya, lo bingung harus seneng apa sedih denger cerita mereka.

Jadi gw punya sahabat, dan kita udah sahabatan cukup lama.

satu SMA,

satu Universitas,

satu jurusan.

udah cukup lama, and still counting till now. 

dari jaman dulu sampe sekarang, setiap cerita yg kita alamin, pasti kita bagi. 

dari jaman punya gebetan,

patah hati karna gebetan kita demennya ma yang laen,

pacaran,

putus,

berantem karna ga dikabarin,

atau ga dianterin, 

bahkan telat dijemput,

ngomongin orang, 

ngomenin orang,

ghibah,

hal-hal remeh semuanya kita bagi bareng. 

until one day.

masing-masing dari kami mulai mutusin jalan hidup masing-masing dengan pilihan masing-masing juga. (yamasa iya barengan hehe..)

iya, satu persatu dari kami mulai berkeluarga. 

nothing's changed.. 

tetep kaya semula, 

jaman kawula muda,

semua cerita kami bagi. 

bedanya.. sekarang udah bukan jamannya cerita berantem karna ga dijemput,

atau karna ga ditelpon atau ga dikabarin. 

sekarang cerita udah beralih ke yang lebih nyeleneh,

intimate gitu.

yaa, kami para cewe bagi-bagi cerita soal beragam "gaya", 

and sometimes we share about how to get to the "climax", which is verryyy new to us all. xixixix.

then, everything's changed.

yes, they changed the subject.

satu per satu,

dari kami mulai menunjukan tanda-tanda adanya anggota lain di keluarga mereka. 

satu,

satu,

satu,

mulai dari rasa campur aduk pas pertama tau, 

cerita eneknya trisemester pertama,

ngidam,

rasa ditendang dalem perut,

kontraksi palsu,

kontraksi.. ngeden.. 

sensasi lahiran normal ataupun caesar.

lalu beralih ke asi atau sufor,

begadang tengah malem, 

ganti popok, 

jenis popok, 

langkah pertama,

panggilan pertama,

Mpasi, or BLW 

nasi atau bubur,

dsb, 

dsb,

sampe satu titik,

I never give them the same subject.

Awalnya sih biasa aja.. 

they give me their best support, and convince me that God has a better plan for each of us. 

I know that.. but you know how it feels.

I cant even describe.

I know I should be happy for them as a good friend. On the other hand, It just hurts, literally. 

lambat laun, 

gw jarang muncul di grup,

kenapa? 

karna sekalinya gw muncul, they asked the same subject which I couldnt answer, just telling them that me and husband are still working on it.. and the bla.. bla.. bla..

ended up feeling hurt, alone.

I cannot insist anyone to understand what I feel. I wont ask anyone to feel sorry for what I feel.

mereka,

tetap sahabat,

dengan cerita.