Unexpected Recommendation!

Hi. its me again!

continuing my last appointment with the legendary doctor.

here we go again. 

Nov 2nd,

I met dr. Bambang as he is pointed out by Prof. Wahyu to give second opinion about my PCO and Cyst.

As I arrived at Klinik Moegni, the receiptionist said that the doctor would come at 4 pm. So i decided to wait for him, but not that I expected that he just showed up 2,5 hours later. Fineeeee.

Finally my name was called, so I was directed to come into the doctor's room. He commonly asked how many years our marriage is. It's been 4 years, and still counting~ i said. Afterthat, he ordered me to lay in bed and started the transvaginal usg-analyzing. He firstly check my left-ovarium which was indicated of PCO, and he said that there was no sign of PCO. It's clean he said. And turn to my Right one, then he saw cyst, 1.8 cm-sized as he explained. He told us that it's nothing to worry about yet he added to try the program if we want to get expecting soon. 

IVF, he mentioned.

In the next two days, Nov 4th.

As the appointment scheduled on , I saw Prof. Wahyu to give him dr. Bambang's result and le husband's medical test result. 

As usual, he started the session with smile and asking our condition dat time. 

We were good, in spite of our bad-mood of too-long-waiting.

I gave him all the result and he started checking le husband's result, and slowly gave us some explanation of each test (which are Blood test, Urine test, and Sperm Test). The result shows that my husband only needs to take some medicine and vitamin to let the sperm go faster. run.. faster run!....

Again, he thought that it's nothing to worry about. 

Now, there was my turn.

He checked dr. Bambang's notes of usg result saying that there's no indication of PCO in my right-sided ovary (alhamdulillaaah), still there's 1.8 cm-long indicated as endometriosis cyst. 

aaaandd, he recommended me to get surgery (called laparascopy) as soon as I'm ready to get expecting.

He let us think about it first because he thought that it's not a life-saving. It would only help me to get expecting real soon.

So, it depends on my decision. 

I would,
never,
expected those words! 

laparascopy?? 

whaaat??

oh . my. god. 

cerita sahabat

pernah ga sih kalian ada di posisi dimana lo gatau harus berekspresi kaya gimana saat lo denger cerita sahabat lo?

simpelnya, lo bingung harus seneng apa sedih denger cerita mereka.

Jadi gw punya sahabat, dan kita udah sahabatan cukup lama.

satu SMA,

satu Universitas,

satu jurusan.

udah cukup lama, and still counting till now. 

dari jaman dulu sampe sekarang, setiap cerita yg kita alamin, pasti kita bagi. 

dari jaman punya gebetan,

patah hati karna gebetan kita demennya ma yang laen,

pacaran,

putus,

berantem karna ga dikabarin,

atau ga dianterin, 

bahkan telat dijemput,

ngomongin orang, 

ngomenin orang,

ghibah,

hal-hal remeh semuanya kita bagi bareng. 

until one day.

masing-masing dari kami mulai mutusin jalan hidup masing-masing dengan pilihan masing-masing juga. (yamasa iya barengan hehe..)

iya, satu persatu dari kami mulai berkeluarga. 

nothing's changed.. 

tetep kaya semula, 

jaman kawula muda,

semua cerita kami bagi. 

bedanya.. sekarang udah bukan jamannya cerita berantem karna ga dijemput,

atau karna ga ditelpon atau ga dikabarin. 

sekarang cerita udah beralih ke yang lebih nyeleneh,

intimate gitu.

yaa, kami para cewe bagi-bagi cerita soal beragam "gaya", 

and sometimes we share about how to get to the "climax", which is verryyy new to us all. xixixix.

then, everything's changed.

yes, they changed the subject.

satu per satu,

dari kami mulai menunjukan tanda-tanda adanya anggota lain di keluarga mereka. 

satu,

satu,

satu,

mulai dari rasa campur aduk pas pertama tau, 

cerita eneknya trisemester pertama,

ngidam,

rasa ditendang dalem perut,

kontraksi palsu,

kontraksi.. ngeden.. 

sensasi lahiran normal ataupun caesar.

lalu beralih ke asi atau sufor,

begadang tengah malem, 

ganti popok, 

jenis popok, 

langkah pertama,

panggilan pertama,

Mpasi, or BLW 

nasi atau bubur,

dsb, 

dsb,

sampe satu titik,

I never give them the same subject.

Awalnya sih biasa aja.. 

they give me their best support, and convince me that God has a better plan for each of us. 

I know that.. but you know how it feels.

I cant even describe.

I know I should be happy for them as a good friend. On the other hand, It just hurts, literally. 

lambat laun, 

gw jarang muncul di grup,

kenapa? 

karna sekalinya gw muncul, they asked the same subject which I couldnt answer, just telling them that me and husband are still working on it.. and the bla.. bla.. bla..

ended up feeling hurt, alone.

I cannot insist anyone to understand what I feel. I wont ask anyone to feel sorry for what I feel.

mereka,

tetap sahabat,

dengan cerita. 

dream within a dream

apa itu mimpi?
awam sekali.
iya, mimpi.

jauh sebelum ku mengenalmu.
mimpi bagiku adalah hal yang menyenangkan.
ku bisa membayangkan diriku ada di suatu tempat dan waktu yang aku idamkan.
jauh sekali.
juga tinggi.

kini, saat ada kamu.
mimpi bagiku semu.
tidak semenyenangkan dulu.
rasanya kelu.
dulu berwarna namun sekarang abu.


ku ingat-ingat.
dulu sekali.
ku pernah sekali waktu bermimpi,
jadi pemain bulu tangkis,
lalu perenang,
lalu model,
lalu penyanyi,
lalu akuntan,
lalu sastrawati,


saat ini,
ku ingin jadi seorang istri,
cukup dicintai,
cukup dihargai,
cukup dimengerti,
cukup dibiarkan mandiri,
bahagiaku dicukupi.

cukup disitu ku minta.
ku tak akan bermimpi lagi.

PCOS?

What is PCO? 

PCO or PCOs (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) is a condition where woman's hormones are out of balance. Normally, the ovaries make a tiny amount of Androgen (male hormone) but in PCOs they make slightly more. This condition cause the ovaries stop ovulating. That is why women with PCOs (me) have trouble in getting pregnant.

Three main features of symptom in PCOS are:

🔹cysts in the ovaries (which to me cysts are indicated in my right-sided ovary)

🔹high levels of male hormones

🔹irregular and skipped periods

In PCO, many small, fluid-filled sacs grow inside the ovaries. The word "polycystics" means "many cysts." These sacs are actually follicles, each one containing an immature egg. The eggs never mature enough to trigger ovulation.

How to treat PCO? 

Besides medical treatment, which common use of Metformin (Glucophage, Fortamet), a drug to treat type 2 diabetes which also treat PCOS by improving insulin levels. Regular exercise, healthy foods, and weight control, are the key treatments for PCOS. Treatment can reduce unpleasant symptoms and help prevent long-term health problems.

Well, well...

I never thougt that something really serious happened to me. 

Not until I found and saw the Doctor. 

He prescribed me Metformin for 34 days-use until the next appointment which was scheduled on November 4th. 

He also gave a reference of Dr. Bambang (who is the Gynecologist at YPK Hospital) for PCO second-analyzing. 

Thank God for saving me, that I could have known it earlier. Again, I know that God must have a better plan for me and husband. This is the path we have to be through. 

Nooowww, its time for me to change my daily menu (with no junkfood on the list). 

And I know it would be sooooo hard to follow, but this is for the GOODNESS sake.

Bismillah.. bismillah.. Bismillaah.. 

The Expecting Journey

Long story short, 

we were in the 8th month of marriage when we firstly decided to see a doctor to start the program. 

But the doctor said that we were too young and too early to start it. 

"Go get another honeymoon!," she said. 

Then, she just prescribed us some vitamins. 

Dissapointed of what we expect earlier, we made an appointment with a different doctor in the same hospital in the 1st anniv of our marriage. 

The doctor gave us positive response of our plan to start the program. 

My ovaries were checked. 

Everything was okay. 

Same with the first doctor, she prescribed us some vitamins and briefed us about the sex cycle we need to concern. 

Again, we found ourselves dissapointed because the result did not meet our expectation.

Started over the program within another year, moved to Bandung. We met an unusual doctor. 

Why is it unusual? 

Because he did not prescribed us any vitamins or medicine like others do. 

He just preached us that child come within the right time.

This doctor was the one who firstly found out a small cyst in my ovary and he blamed out of the fertility vitamin I consumed during the day. 

He calmed me down and told me that it was not a thing to worry about. 

Moreover, he gave us a handwriting note containing a bucket-list of food, me and husband to avoid. 

And yknow whaat! moooosstt of them are my favorites. #deepsigh. 

Following the rules and avoiding all the food for almost 3 months, I lost some weight. 

Noticed about me getting skinnier, he asked me to stop the diet and just go with the flow. 

After long idle.

In the on-going 4th year of our marriage.

On Saturday, September 30th 2017.

I made a book to get a chance seeing The Gynecologist Expert, 

in one of Woman & Children Hospitals in Jakarta, named Bunda Hospital. 

We're starting the program all over again.. 

Prof. DR. dr. Wahyu Hadisaputra, SpOG (K)

is recommended by a friend of a friend of mine. 

Smiling, he started the observation by asking some initial question such as any attempts we have experienced with some doctors, and how long we have been married. 

Just straight to the point. 

He also asked me whether I have experience of any surgery or medical treatment 

and I answered it one by one. 

Then he directed me to get usg analyzed and gave us some explanation during the session.

In short, there is a 2.1 cm long cyst on my left-sided ovary, and small cysts on the other side which are indicated as PCO. 

At last, he prescribed us two different medicine for morning and day.

30 days straight-no excuses. 

aaaannd the next appointment will be in the next month. 

Bismillah... 

All is well.

All is well.

kinda mantra for myself. 

stranger by the day

when tomorrow wont be the most awaited time as it was.

when morning wont be bright and warm as it was.

when smile fades out.

when silly things become weird.

when coffee tasteless.

no more giggling.

no more laughing-out-loud.

no more.

no.

more.

left.

there will be times when we're becoming stranger to each other.