apa itu mimpi?
awam sekali.
iya, mimpi.
jauh sebelum ku mengenalmu.
mimpi bagiku adalah hal yang menyenangkan.
ku bisa membayangkan diriku ada di suatu tempat dan waktu yang aku idamkan.
jauh sekali.
juga tinggi.
kini, saat ada kamu.
mimpi bagiku semu.
tidak semenyenangkan dulu.
rasanya kelu.
dulu berwarna namun sekarang abu.
ku ingat-ingat.
dulu sekali.
ku pernah sekali waktu bermimpi,
jadi pemain bulu tangkis,
lalu perenang,
lalu model,
lalu penyanyi,
lalu akuntan,
lalu sastrawati,
saat ini,
ku ingin jadi seorang istri,
cukup dicintai,
cukup dihargai,
cukup dimengerti,
cukup dibiarkan mandiri,
bahagiaku dicukupi.
cukup disitu ku minta.
ku tak akan bermimpi lagi.
PCOS?
What is PCO?
PCO or PCOs (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) is a condition where woman's hormones are out of balance. Normally, the ovaries make a tiny amount of Androgen (male hormone) but in PCOs they make slightly more. This condition cause the ovaries stop ovulating. That is why women with PCOs (me) have trouble in getting pregnant.
Three main features of symptom in PCOS are:
🔹cysts in the ovaries (which to me cysts are indicated in my right-sided ovary)
🔹high levels of male hormones
🔹irregular and skipped periods
In PCO, many small, fluid-filled sacs grow inside the ovaries. The word "polycystics" means "many cysts." These sacs are actually follicles, each one containing an immature egg. The eggs never mature enough to trigger ovulation.
How to treat PCO?
Besides medical treatment, which common use of Metformin (Glucophage, Fortamet), a drug to treat type 2 diabetes which also treat PCOS by improving insulin levels. Regular exercise, healthy foods, and weight control, are the key treatments for PCOS. Treatment can reduce unpleasant symptoms and help prevent long-term health problems.
Well, well...
I never thougt that something really serious happened to me.
Not until I found and saw the Doctor.
He prescribed me Metformin for 34 days-use until the next appointment which was scheduled on November 4th.
He also gave a reference of Dr. Bambang (who is the Gynecologist at YPK Hospital) for PCO second-analyzing.
Thank God for saving me, that I could have known it earlier. Again, I know that God must have a better plan for me and husband. This is the path we have to be through.
Nooowww, its time for me to change my daily menu (with no junkfood on the list).
And I know it would be sooooo hard to follow, but this is for the GOODNESS sake.
Bismillah.. bismillah.. Bismillaah..
The Expecting Journey
Long story short,
we were in the 8th month of marriage when we firstly decided to see a doctor to start the program.
But the doctor said that we were too young and too early to start it.
"Go get another honeymoon!," she said.
Then, she just prescribed us some vitamins.
Dissapointed of what we expect earlier, we made an appointment with a different doctor in the same hospital in the 1st anniv of our marriage.
The doctor gave us positive response of our plan to start the program.
My ovaries were checked.
Everything was okay.
Same with the first doctor, she prescribed us some vitamins and briefed us about the sex cycle we need to concern.
Again, we found ourselves dissapointed because the result did not meet our expectation.
Started over the program within another year, moved to Bandung. We met an unusual doctor.
Why is it unusual?
Because he did not prescribed us any vitamins or medicine like others do.
He just preached us that child come within the right time.
This doctor was the one who firstly found out a small cyst in my ovary and he blamed out of the fertility vitamin I consumed during the day.
He calmed me down and told me that it was not a thing to worry about.
Moreover, he gave us a handwriting note containing a bucket-list of food, me and husband to avoid.
And yknow whaat! moooosstt of them are my favorites. #deepsigh.
Following the rules and avoiding all the food for almost 3 months, I lost some weight.
Noticed about me getting skinnier, he asked me to stop the diet and just go with the flow.
After long idle.
In the on-going 4th year of our marriage.
On Saturday, September 30th 2017.
I made a book to get a chance seeing The Gynecologist Expert,
in one of Woman & Children Hospitals in Jakarta, named Bunda Hospital.
We're starting the program all over again..
Prof. DR. dr. Wahyu Hadisaputra, SpOG (K)
is recommended by a friend of a friend of mine.
Smiling, he started the observation by asking some initial question such as any attempts we have experienced with some doctors, and how long we have been married.
Just straight to the point.
He also asked me whether I have experience of any surgery or medical treatment
and I answered it one by one.
Then he directed me to get usg analyzed and gave us some explanation during the session.
In short, there is a 2.1 cm long cyst on my left-sided ovary, and small cysts on the other side which are indicated as PCO.
At last, he prescribed us two different medicine for morning and day.
30 days straight-no excuses.
aaaannd the next appointment will be in the next month.
Bismillah...
All is well.
All is well.
kinda mantra for myself.
stranger by the day
when tomorrow wont be the most awaited time as it was.
when morning wont be bright and warm as it was.
when smile fades out.
when silly things become weird.
when coffee tasteless.
no more giggling.
no more laughing-out-loud.
no more.
no.
more.
left.
when morning wont be bright and warm as it was.
when smile fades out.
when silly things become weird.
when coffee tasteless.
no more giggling.
no more laughing-out-loud.
no more.
no.
more.
left.
there will be times when we're becoming stranger to each other.
Freedom.
abstract,
cannot be seen with bare eyes,
but can only be felt with your heart,
which is called "peace".
I never realize that freedom is that precious until I lost it.
free to use my own thought to decide things,
free to pursue my own happines,
free to set my own goals,
free to achieve my dreams,
free to do anything that I want to.
yes, I lost those several things.
It feels like a living doll,
without a soul...
you can only do what you are directed to,
you can only do basic things as much as you want it,
eat,
drink,
sleep,
but not to think,
to argue,
or even to dream.
so empty..
what is worse?
I cannot complain to anyone,
but myself.
that is the worst.
abstract,
cannot be seen with bare eyes,
but can only be felt with your heart,
which is called "peace".
I never realize that freedom is that precious until I lost it.
free to use my own thought to decide things,
free to pursue my own happines,
free to set my own goals,
free to achieve my dreams,
free to do anything that I want to.
yes, I lost those several things.
It feels like a living doll,
without a soul...
you can only do what you are directed to,
you can only do basic things as much as you want it,
eat,
drink,
sleep,
but not to think,
to argue,
or even to dream.
so empty..
what is worse?
I cannot complain to anyone,
but myself.
that is the worst.
Kita dan Semuaku (by Zarry Hendrik)
Percakapan kita itu menakjubkan.
Kalimat-kalimat bagus bertebaran.
Surat-surat manis berserakan.
Tanya-tanya mesra berhamburan. Penuh kata-kata.
Penuh warna.
Kita bercanda, bertukar pikiran,
berbagi cerita, berdebat dan bersitegang,
itu menakjubkan.
Kalimat-kalimat bagus bertebaran.
Surat-surat manis berserakan.
Tanya-tanya mesra berhamburan. Penuh kata-kata.
Penuh warna.
Kita bercanda, bertukar pikiran,
berbagi cerita, berdebat dan bersitegang,
itu menakjubkan.
Kita itu bagai rasa.
Ada hangat yang tak mampu dijelaskan api.
Ada sejuk yang tak berasal dari angin.
Ada arus yang tak sama dengan di sungai.
Ada dunia yang bukan dunia ini.
Kita itu indah yang campur aduk.
Semerawut seperti ibukota.
Aneh seperti angkasa.
Entah mengapa.
Entah bagaimana.
Pinta dan asa yang mengisi.
Seni dan doa yang menguatkan.
Kita itu unik seperti karya yang rumit,
seperti bahagia yang sederhana.
Bertujuan, berketidak-pastian.
Berketanyaan, berkerelaan,
bergemerlapan,
beriman,
seiman,
Kita.
Sesekali aku bingung memandangi kita.
Dua kepala yang sama keras.
Dua hati yang sama keras.
Dua masalah yang sama berat.
Satu cinta.
Satu cinta.
Satu dunia.
Satu cerita.
Banyak nama.
Banyak pribadi.
Banyak pertanyaan.
Kita adalah aku dan kamu.
Siapa aku dan siapa kamu.
Siapa aku di matamu?
Siapa aku di telingamu?
Siapa aku di kepalamu?
Siapa aku di hatimu?
Siapa aku di lingkaranmu?
Siapa aku?
Sesungguhnya ini aku. Inilah aku!
Aku adalah baru dan sekarangmu.
Aku adalah cinta dan rahasiamu.
Dan ada banyak yang aku tidak mau.
Aku tidak mau jadi nomor satumu.
Aku tidak mau jadi pilihan terbaikmu.
Aku tidak mau jadi segalanya bagimu.
Aku tidak mau jadi kepentingan utamamu.
Aku tidak mau jadi alasan terbesarmu.
Aku tidak mau jadi mimpi terindahmu.
Aku tidak mau jadi dusta terhebatmu.
Aku tidak mau jadi cita-cita tertinggimu.
Aku tidak mau jadi pemilik masadepanmu.
Aku tidak mau jadi kenangan termanismu.
Aku tidak mau jadi malaikatmu.
Aku tidak mau jadi hidup dan matimu.
Aku tidak mau jadi surgamu.
Aku tidak mau.
Yang aku mau,
kamu.
Dan di kamu ada banyak yang aku mau.
Aku mau jadi suka dukamu.
Aku mau jadi susah dan senangmu.
Aku mau jadi tawa dan marahmu.
Aku mau jadi pergi dan pulangmu.
Aku mau jadi kekasih terakhirmu.
Aku memang banyak maunya.
Terkadang, aku tidak tercukupkan oleh kemauan.
Mau-mauku.
Dan ketidak-mauku juga.
Cukupkah aku menjadi aku?
Cukupkah aku?
Cukupkah hanya aku?
Aku cukup jadi puisimu.
Aku cukup jadi lukiasanmu.
Aku cukup jadi lagumu.
Aku cukup jadi kisahmu.
Aku cukup jadi hal-hal kecilmu.
Aku cukup jadi cerminmu.
Aku cukup mengenal diriku sendiri.
Yang aku mau dan tidak mau.
Aku tahu siapa aku.
Sampai kemudian aku bercermin kepadamu.
aku terkejut.
Ada hal-hal baru yang baru kutahu ada di dalam diriku.
Hal-hal yang perlu aku lepaskan.
Hal-hal yang harus tetap kupegang,
dan tambah eratkan.
Terima kasih.
Kamu sudah repot-repot menyayangi semuaku.
Dan menerimaku.
Seperti aku ini cerminanmu.
copyright. ZARRY HENDRIK
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